


Free (Of Me)

by OhTheTerrifyingRarityOfTruth



Category: Kagerou Project, Mekakucity Actors
Genre: Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Dont listen to Outer Science while writing a Kagepro fic, F/M, First work - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, It doesn’t end well, M/M, Mutual Pining, Suicide, i regret this but i dont...??, im sorry, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 18:05:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15491610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhTheTerrifyingRarityOfTruth/pseuds/OhTheTerrifyingRarityOfTruth
Summary: Ayano commits suicide and everyone else is left to pick up the pieces. It’s not going well.AKA Ayano is dead but she’s still telling Takane to get her shit together.





	1. Agape

They found out the morning after, when the principal called an assembly with no apparent reason. They found out she was gone forever, but not from her. No, they heard it from the lips of a man they didn't particularly care for, in a room of people who didn't actually care for who she was, and they broke. Broke, falling to the ground and sobbing, because _it wasn't fair and she shouldn't have died and why would she leave them when she had found her place with them, finally, and why, why, why!_

He was in tears because the love of his life had thrown herself off of the roof. He felt that he had it worse than Haruka and Takane, and then he would remind himself that they needed her too and then she disappeared.

He was in tears because he couldn't bear to lose anyone at all, and sure she was better friends with Shintaro and Takane, but they had been growing closer and he was going to ask for her help, and then she just wasn't there anymore.

She hasn't felt the same since Ayano died. One of her only friends, just...gone, without any explanation but a brief letter to each of the three of them, the original mekakushi dan before there was any dan at all, asking for them to look out for her siblings now she was gone. And in Takane's letter, a tiny drawing, a little sketch of Ayano herself, drawn to be saying "I told you so".It was so Ayano that Takane couldn't help laughing, prompting the boys to lean over from their letters, but they didn't understand. Of course they wouldn't. That was so like her, to make them laugh, even when she wasn't there to do it herself, in person. The boys may not have understood, but Takane did. Ayano was helping her, even from death, trying to get her to woman up and do it. Ayano's last request of her.

But it was too early. Too soon after her death to think about such things, to think about Haruka that way, and so she left it. Left it in a corner of her mind to be forgotten, just like she left the letter in the corner of a drawer to read again when she was ready.

And the three of them stayed together after that, emotionally clinging to each other like they were each other's lifeboats in the storm of Ayano's death. 


	2. Storge

Haruka is the first one to greet her as she walks into school that day as he stands with Shintaro in the corner that was always theirs. "Hey Takane..." _Are you okay, Takane?_

"Hi Haruka, Shintaro..." _Are you okay, Haruka?_

"It still hurts, doesn't it Takane?" _Can I hold you to make you feel better?_

"Yeah." _So much._

"I thought that over time it might...y'know...but no, it's like she only died yesterday..."

"Four months and it's still bad...Sorry Takane, Haruka, I really have to go. My teachers still expect me to be the same after what happened." _I will never be the same._

"Bye Shintaro..." _I don't think any of us will ever be the same._

"Mmh..."

"Takane, do you do anything to forget, you know, get a bit of respite from all of this?" _Let me help you._

"No, not really..."

"Sometimes I look at my letter and I feel a bit better. Do you still have yours?" _Do you remember like I do?_

Truthfully, Takane hadn't taken her letter out of the drawer since the day she put it there in a fit of rage and sadness, the same day she had received the letter. It brought up memories she wanted to forget. _Memories really are the greatest weapons._ Whoever was wielding these memories had her completely at their mercy, and Takane had a sneaking suspicion that she herself was torturing herself like this. The letter reminded her too much of what Ayano had wanted for her, and the thought of Ayano being happy made Takanes tears flow freely, because Ayano would never smile for them ever again. Takane wasn't overly religious, but she hoped that there was an afterlife of some sort where she could meet her best friend again.

"-ane?! Takane, are you okay?! Takane! Oh god, should I call an ambula-"

"Haruka, I'm fine. Just thinking about Ayano." _Like we all do now._

"I'm sorry, did my question startle you?"

"No, I just...memories I guess."

"So, do you still have your letter?" _Please please please let me in, let me help._

"Yeah, I do. But I haven't looked at since that first time we all looked at them. There was something that Ayano wanted me to do, and she mentioned it in her letter, and I haven't done it yet..." _It's too soon to fall in love again._

"So you aren't looking at it because you think you'll feel guilty that you haven't done it yet?"

"Yeah, I guess." _But guilt isn't the most important thing right now._

"Well, why can't you do the thing she asked you to do? I mean, there must be a reason, or you would have done it already." _Is it the same reason I can't do mine?_

"You sound like you're speaking from experience." _Did she say the same to you?_

"Not important. Stop changing the subject. But yeah, Ayano asked me to do something too, and I do still look at the letter, to see if I can get inspiration for how to do it." _And I look at it in the hope that one day it will give the courage I need._

"What is it you have to do?"

"Stop changing the subject. I think that if Ayano asked you to do something, you should respect her memory and do it. I'm at least considering it, and I think you should too. What's your problem anyway?"

"I'm worried about what people will think, me doing it so soon after she died. And what you might think especially." _I'm worried you don't like me like that._

"You know me, I wont judge you! Is this something like asking someone out, and you think I might miss you if you hang out with your boyfriend? Or girlfriend, I'm not judgy like you! Don't worry about me, I'll always be here for you if they reject you!" _I'm always here for you._

"I'd rather not talk about it now Haruka." _I might give it away too soon._

"Okay. I'm always here if you need to talk though." _Always._

"Thanks. You too." _Always._

And so the bell rings, and life goes on, as if the conversation never happened, as if Ayano never died, as if it knew nothing of what had happened to them, or was happening or would happen eventually.


	3. Philia

"I told you so"

"I told you so"

"I told you so"

"Aaaaaargh!"

A scream. Crumpled paper. Then the tears. The sobbing. The hours where she would just sit and scream and cry and think about what if, what if, what if. What if she had never met Haruka, what if she had never been sick and been in a normal class, what if she had stayed with Ayano after school that day and stopped her from jumping. _What if Ayano had never died._

Takane cried herself to sleep that night, again.

When she woke the morning after, she realised she had to do something to forget, if even only for a little while. And so, in a fit of typical teenage impulsiveness, she called Haruka and Shintaro with her mind made up.

The drinking age in Japan was twenty, but all three of them could pass as old enough, probably. However, they didn't have to walk to a bar, as Shintaro had refused to leave his room, and that was why Takane and Haruka were here, buying alcohol to take to Shintaro's house for all of them to get drunk and forget. Takane was the one with the fake ID, and Haruka didn't want to leave her alone. None of the three of them wanted to be alone these days. It was when they were alone that the loss hit them hardest, and if Haruka knew anything about Takane, it was that she could lie so easily. Not quite as well as Ayano's blonde little brother, but she was very good at it. She could be in so much emotional pain, sobbing and screaming in her mind, and none of them would be able to see it without the little tells that one would only notice if they knew her as well as they knew themselves, which Haruka did.

Haruka knew her.

Haruka loved her.

And Takane had no idea. She was standing here with him, eyes still slightly red from tears, and she had no idea how hopelessly in love with her he was. She had no idea that he was always going to be falling in love with her. Falling, falling, falling, and she still had no idea.

"Hey Haruka, should we get the whiskey or the vodka? Which one would Shintaro like more?"

"Whichever one is stronger, I guess. Or both."

"Okay, I'll get both. Shintaro can decide when we get there."

After Takane had paid, they walked out together and caught the train to the station nearest Shintaro's house. Haruka had been watching her for a while, watching the way her eyes watered as if she was always about to start crying. He watched the way her face moved as if holding something in, and saw the tear streaks down her face.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You were crying again."

"No I wasn't. I'm just tired."

"You're both. You fell asleep crying last night again, didn't you?"

"...Yeah."

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight? It might help with the loneliness."

"...Yeah."

"Okay."

"Okay."

They sat in silence for the rest of the journey, both sneaking glances at the other when they weren't looking, trying to convince their hearts not to beat so loud or so fast, thinking that the other didn't want or deserve this while they were still in mourning.

Half an hour later they were in Shintaro's room, ready to get drunk.

Just three hours after that, both bottles were gone. Shintaro had drunk only a little, because he was barely eating nowadays, and Haruka had drunk just enough to be tipsy, but not dangerously so. It was Takane who had drunk the most, who had now curled up on Shintaro's bed next to Haruka with her head on his and fallen asleep. Haruka sighed. He was going to have to take her home, as he had promised he would stay with her tonight.

Shintaro called a taxi for them, and when it arrived, Haruka managed to pick her up and get her into the back, where he slipped in next to her. When they got back to Takane's house, she had woken enough to stumble up the front steps with Haruka's hand supporting her. She walked to her room and collapsed on her bed, still holding Haruka. When he tried to extricate himself from her grip, she rolled over to face him and tugged at his arm.

"Haruka, stay."

And just with those two words, Haruka knew he could not be anymore in love with her than he was right at this moment. In this moment, Takane was everything he'd ever wanted or needed or loved, and he was completely sure that it would only ever be Takane. And maybe being tipsy had given him some courage, finally, but he got into the bed next to her, and she entwined her limbs with his and he didn't complain, he just held her, held her in the darkening night.

They fell asleep like that, neither crying for the first time in ages.

 


	4. Ludus

Takane really was beautiful when she was asleep. Haruka didn't mean to stare, but he had woken up with her in his arms and he was in love. So, so in love. He knew it was wrong to watch her, and he knew it when Takane's eyelids fluttered open to let her gaze rest on his face. He shut his eyes quickly, hoping she hadn't noticed that he was awake. It seemed to work, as she sighed quietly,

"Morning Haruka." There was a pause. "Oh shit Haruka why are you here I'm so sorry I was drunk oh god what did I do-"

Haruka stopped acting quickly to comfort her. "Takane calm down, you just asked me to stay with you last night rather than going to the guest room."

"You didn't have to, you know. I'm weird when I'm drunk."

"You didn't cry last night."

"I was drunk. I had forgotten, just like I wanted to."

"At least you weren't upset. Come on, I'll make breakfast."

"You can cook?!"

"Yep! What would you like?" Haruka's smile was contagious, and Takane couldn't help joining him. He was just so..Haruka. There was no other way to describe him, and Takane was so in love with all the Haruka-ness of him.

"I don't really want anything, thanks."

"Why, do you not trust my cooking? I promise I won't poison it, if that helps."

"No," Takane protested, "I'm just not hungry today. Plus I have the worst headache ever."

"Did you eat yesterday?"

"What does yesterday have to do with this?" Takanes temper was lighting up. What did Haruka care whether she ate or not?!

"Takane." The warning in his voice was clear, answering her challenge. They stared at each other, neither one wanting to back down. They both may have been in love, but they still refused to show weakness to the other.

Takane conceded first. "I haven't eaten since an apple the day before yesterday. I'm just not hungry anymore." She looked down, unwilling to see the disappointment on Harukas face.

"Takaneee! Come on! Let's go eat!" Haruka was standing next to the bed now, tugging at her arm.

"Aren't you mad at me? You know, for not eating?"

"Well, yeah, I guess, but the best way to make you better is to make you eat! So that's what we're going to do!"

\---

Really he should have expected it. After getting Takane coffee and aspirin, the two of them walked to the kitchen so Haruka could start cooking. However, Takane wanted to help with the pancakes, leading to the current mess. There was batter on the ceiling, syrup absolutely everywhere, and Haruka had both in his hair. Takane was somehow spotless, trying to mask her smile with her hand as her eyes shone. This was good, she decided, better than anything had been for ages. A rush of something flowed through her and she almost gasped. Contentment. Beautiful contentment, feeling like everything was perfect for one solitary moment, and nothing needed to change because for one second, just one second, Takane was completely happy with her life. It was Haruka who had made her feel it. It was always Haruka, with his damn smile, and his eyes, who made her feel things she had never felt before, and even though Takane would die without admitting that she was in love, _she was in love_.

"Haruka, can you stay again tonight?" The words were out before she registered what she was saying. _Have him stay another night? Have him stay here, with her, making her feel so different to before? Haruka staying, with those beautiful eyes and that smile and the hair? Was she crazy?!_

"Sure. I'll need to get some pyjamas though. Can we go to my house to pick them up?" There he went again, throwing in the 'we' casually, assuming that she would want to come with him.She was always happier alone, should he not have assumed she would want to come? Honestly Haruka had no idea where she stood on the matter, but it was her fault he was so happy. Her fault he couldn't think straight.

"Okay. But on the way, we'll have to stop somewhere for breakfast. These pancakes are a lost cause, I think."

"Takeout coffee and cake it is then!" And the smile he smiled at that moment made Takane's heart pound and her body freeze. Her mind was a jumble of emotions and thoughts, but one thing stood out. Haruka didn't belong on this Earth, so ethereal was he. She was in love with an angel.


	5. Philautia

Haruka woke in a cold sweat to the sound of his phone ringing, and realised that the warmth by his side he had fallen asleep with was gone. Groggily, he rubbed his eyes, trying to wipe the memory of his dream from them. He picked up his phone from beside him and stared at the screen, trying to discern who was calling from the brightness. He gasped when he realised that it was Takane, and desperately tried to fix his hair, even though she wouldn't be able to see him.

"Ah, Takane! You weren't here when I woke up, and I thought something had happened to you. Are you okay?"

The silence that answered him was almost as terrifying as Takane's next words. "Haruka...I-I'm leaving. I want to follow Ayano, and I just wanted to tell you that you're finally free of me."

Haruka sat on his bed disbelieving, not wanting to think that another of his friends was about to disappear from his life, and not wanting to think that Takane of all people was going to leave him. He was startled back into movement by the sound of the phone being hung up; he didn't think, he just moved, ran to grab his jacket, ran out of the door, ran down the street, ran to the school where the love of his life was about to throw herself off of the roof to follow her friend. He ran up the stairs, and burst through the door to the roof just to see Takane climb over the rail that surrounded the edge. She turned to look at him, stunned.

"Haruka! I didn't think you'd come!"

"Of course. I'd much rather die with someone else, and I'm sure you would too."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I'll jump with you, if you just wait until tomorrow. I need to prepare."

Takane was speechless. There was no way that Haruka, _sweet, innocent, joyful Haruka,_ would want to jump with her. He was just so happy, so perfect, that she had no idea that suicide had even crossed his mind.

"Grief does strange things to people, don't you think?" Haruka said, as if answering all of the questions she held in her mind.

"There must be another reason you want to jump with me."

"To be honest, you three were the only ones who didn't think me useless because of my illness. And I've known you the longest. I don't want to live without you, Takane." The way he said her name sent shivers up her spine, and she almost believed that he really loved her from the way he said those words. But that was stupid. He meant it as a friend, and no one would love her. She lied and shouted and played video games all day, and she wasn't pretty or had a nice voice. She was always angry with everyone, and barely anyone wanted to be near her. Haruka on the other hand was an angel, extroverted and friendly, who had nothing to hide and nothing he regretted. He didn't deserve her, he deserved someone as perfect as he was, someone who was the opposite of Takane herself. She breathed the cool night air in, allowing it to sharpen her senses. "Okay" was all she said in return.

"Thanks." He flashed that little bittersweet smile at her, as if reassuring her that it was fine for them to die together. That was why she had to jump. That feeling. He would be free without her pining after him.

"Do we go home now?"

"We don't have much choice. Unless you want to stay up here waiting for me to say goodbye to everything?" He stood up, offering his hand to her.

"What do you have to say goodbye to?" She grabbed the offered hand and climbed back over the rail.

"Shintaro, mostly. I need to write to him." They walked towards the door that led to the stairs down.

"Don't give him a letter. That's what Ayano did, remember, and a second one would break him even more, if that's possible." She said as he held the door open for her. There was a pause as he followed her through.

"I leave something on the roof, then. He'll come up here when he learns we've both...gone, and he'll see it, and he'll know it was from us."

"That sounds okay. Anyone else?"

"I don't think so. You, Ayano and Shintaro were the only ones."

"Tomorrow night then? Together?"

"Tomorrow. Together." Haruka repeated.

And with those words, Takane knew there was no going back. She was going to leave it all behind.


	6. Pragma

"Tomorrow night then? Together?"

"Tomorrow. Together." Haruka repeated.

Takane had replayed that conversation in her head a thousand times, each one sounding the same but so, so different as she ran through the connotations each of his words could have held. And over and over she thought the same cycle of thoughts, every time coming back to the same conclusion. The words either of them had spoken wouldn't matter much longer. Nothing would.

And so the night and a day passed quickly for Takane, alone with her thoughts as she was. Haruka had promised that he would meet her on the roof of the school at midnight, ready for... what they had planned, and he did. He had obviously arrived before her, and was stood looking over the edge of the roof with a stuffed fish in his hand.

"Haruka, why are you holding a dead fish?" Takane asked curiously as she approached. On closer inspection, the fish seemed remarkably familiar.

"It's for Shintaro. Do you remember how the four of us met?" He walked towards her, away from the edge, and Takane felt such utter relief. It was Haruka's choice to die, but Takane could not bear the thought that he would.

"How could I forget? He was the only one who could beat me at that game."

"This is pretty similar to the prize, don't you think? I'm sure Shintaro will recognise it as from us if I leave it up here, so that's why I chose it."

"That's...actually pretty thoughtful. I'm sure he'll know it."

'I've even scratched our names on the side, so it's even more noticable."

"..."

"Kidding. Though maybe we should. Or at least our initials."

"I will not go down in history as the suicidal girl who wrote her name on a dead fish for her only alive best friend to remember her by."

"At least you'll be remembered, right? And it might be pretty cool to have my nickname as 'dead fish boy' for all of eternity. Kind of Romeo and Juliet-ish. Two best friends, dead together, their only memory a dead fish."

"So who's the Romeo? Also, Romeo and Juliet were lovers, not best friends."

"Same thing. And I'm the obvious choice for Romeo."

"I don't know. You seem more like a Juliet kind of character to me."

"Mean, Taka-chan!" There it was, the easy back and forth banter they had had for all of the years before Ayano's death, returned to them just before their own deaths. How ironic.

Takane was the first to address the more important topic. "Are you ready then?"

"Ready to commit suicide? Never. Ready to die for someone I love? Of course."

"What?"

"Listen Takane, I don't want to die without telling you this at least once. I've been a coward my whole life, and I know you'll never reciprocate it, but I don't want to die uncertain, even just a little."

"What are you saying?"

"Takane, I love you." The silence that followed was the thickest Haruka had ever felt. Without hesitation, he walked over to the edge and looked down. "On three then. One, two, thr-"

"Haruka, no!" Takane yelled as she grabbed his hand, intent on stopping him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

"I thought you were ready, Takane. Don't you want to jump? If you don't, I still do, so please let go before I regret this."

"No, Haruka, that's not it! I..I..I love you too!" Haruka stepped back off the edge and pulled Takane's hand off him.

"Don't say that just because you feel guilty. I'm fine if you don't love me like that."

"If you were so fine with it, why did you want to jump?"

"Because I couldn't bear a world without you."

"You won't have to! Haruka, please, if you don't jump then I won't. I can't bear to see you die, and I don't wish to be the reason you commited suicide."

"Are you sure?"

"I know that the world is a cruel place just now, with everything it has taken from us, but I refuse to let it take more from me. The universe will give to both of us today, if you just don't jump! I love you, Haruka, I love you, I love you, I love you!"

"I love you too." There came the words both had been wishing to say to each other for so long, finally out in the open.

Poetic justice. A fairy tale ending. Almost.

They found out the morning after, when the principal called an assembly with no apparent reason. They found out he was gone forever, but not from him. No, they heard it from the lips of a man they didn't particularly care for, in a room of people who didn't actually care for who he was, and they broke once more. Broke, falling to the ground and sobbing, because _it wasn't fair and he shouldn't have died and why would he leave them knowing that a second loss would be almost too much to bear and why, why, why!_

_Why._


End file.
